Do you remeber the Times??

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The Crue, Def Lepp, GnR, Ratt, Slaughter, Scorpions, L.A Guns, Cinderella, Aerosmith, Firehouse, Van Halen, Poison (to name a few) I fall asleep at night with the satisfaction and knowledge that I was most likely conceived to a hard rocking number or a illicitly penned ballad from these 80′s based bands. A time where virility wasn’t measured by genetics, possessions, money, social status but by the length and girth of your Mullet (pronouced moo – lay). A time where your daughter’s boyfriend would wear more make up than her. A time where lovemaking wasn’t just confined to two people but more of a group/orgy scenario. This era will never be repeated – much to my disgust. You may know it as the hair metal years…..

To be successfull during these times the following key members need to be evident and I’ll chronicle these: A lead singer, Lead Solo guitarist, Drummer. The bassist is there just to keep the beat thus missing all the “glory”.

The lead singer plays a pivotal part in the band, not only is he the frontman but often he is the lyrical genius behind the hairsprayed fuelled hits. During the 80′s a mane was quintessential to the mantra of the band, classic examples of a well executed mane are W. Axl Rose (Guns an Roses), David Lee Roth (Van Halen), Sebastian Bach (Skid Row) and Joe Elliot (Def Leppard). A good vocalist made or broke the band. One flaw that more often or not arose within the group would be LSD which is the tendency for the singer to become egotistical and impossible to work with. In a nut shell LSD is the natural tendency for the singer to act like a prima donna and treat people like shit. It’s obviously fatal like terminal cancer, once a singer develops this there is little or no hope the group will recover. The extreme case would be W. Axl Rose, who fronting the chart topping and all encompassing hair metal band Guns an Roses. One by one he struck off members of the group, stealing creative direction, band royalties and the band moniker. He was known to be bi-polar, a manic depressant, women beater and a chronic liar. He still fronts a version of the great GnR, less the greats Duff, Izzy, Matt, Duff and SlashbBut it’s a mere shallow shadow of its former entity. The LS always gets first pick of the beauties at his beck and call, he may refer to them as his muses which he seeks direction and tutelage from. They also deal him with his drug of choice, some may prefer pussy some may prefer cocaine some may indulge in a speed ball or two (combination of coke and speed).

The Lead Guitarist in a time where solo’s were impromtu live and could flow on for minutes at any given moment. Where the LG’s style and influence were always showcased in every note/chord he played. Fans would hold lighters when the LG would power into an awe inspiring face melting solo. He often gets offside with the LS in regards to direction and having a better work ethic than the LS. As the LS the LG often has a mane and those that stand out are Slash (GnR), Zakk Wlyde (Ozzy Osbourne), Randy Rhoads (Ozzy Osbourne), Eddie Van Halen (VH), Dave Mustaine (Megadeth) and C.C Deville (Poison). Hours upon hours have been spent learning and mastering their craft often when they’re young. As they devote their time to banging groupies and causing mayhem (eg trashing hotel rooms – prime example) once they start touring. Their drug of choice is always heroin, that hadn’t learnt from Eric Clapton(Yardbirds/Cream) and Keith Richards(Rolling Stones) errors of the seventies. They’ll drink bloody mary’s for breakfast (an alternative appetite suppressant) always take a chaser (a shot) with any bruski (beer). Have a penchant for over dosing ie Slash flatlining in tokyo, Mustaine in germany. Whilst also having self harm issues which ultimately resulted in death (Randy Rhoads). The LGs also very prominent of passing Std/Sti’s round the group in the form of strippers. They are always trying to hussle money, booze, sex, drugs and mesh shirts.

The drummer often forgotten but at your own misadventure. The drummer keeping the beat at the back often manning an over the top kit set up, is a legend in his own right. Bare chested plaid in boxer shorts he pours sweat profusely as he anchors the group forth into a medley. Playing himself into a standstill, he like the LG will also play an over the top solo. Which will draw superlatives from those who watch his every manoeuvre around the brass/percussion. Tommy Lee’s (Motley Crue) kit used to be fixed to rails that’d transcend the arena the Crue rocked, often eclipsing half an hour of back beating drumming. Lee was also known to have fellatio (the art of recieving oral sex) whilst drumming. Drummers were also know to delay and play longer solo’s so the band could have sex with groupies on break and out back of the gig. The drummers drug of choice alcohol, Led Zeppelins John Bonham died of choking on his own vomit (excessive drinking). Stephen Adler (GnR – Appetite for destruction lineup) holds distinction in owning the world record for most escapes from Rehab (23times and still not clean).

Unfortunalty the 80′s wasn’t meant to last forever (some would say a decade), Enter the 90′s and grunge started to seep through and ruin the tapestry of hair metal. Was there anything wrong with rocking out, getting high, bagging birds and being public enemy no. 1? Yes apparently there was and hair metal as we knew temporarily ceased to grace our presence. Grunge started to take center stage and lyrics aimed at personal issues (possible child abuse) and neglect from their parents drawed you into their joyous world (note my sarcasm). I do say you to because I sold my soul to the devil, the rock devil. I would never sell out to listen to Nirvana, Pearl Jam and Soundgarden to note a few. Hair metal is back on the horizon, Motley Crue, Deff Lepard, Metallica, AC/DC and Aerosmith are still leading the assaults on our eardrums and our mums!!!!!

Key elements of a successfull 80′s rocker:

A body emblazoned with tattoos
Long bleached blond or Satan black mane
Kidney transplant
Shot Liver
At least 5 stints at rehab
Kids scattered around the world
Little or no wealth
Herpes ( you can’t be cured im told)
Slurred speech
At least 3 ex wives
A ranch
Wrinkles scarred deeper by years of substance abuse
Mascara
Are known to look out of place fashion wise

Glam metal/rock article to follow…

Quote for your Life ” You only live once”

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