Bums…….Here For All Of Us

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Myself and ‘Jesus and them’ where parked up at McDonalds Manners Mall, window side, lunching up. As we consumed Filet-o-Fishes and Frozen Cokes our attention was drawn to a middle aged Maori character across the way, he was be-lining any pedestrians who happened to wonder past. This character was not unfamiliar to us, in fact we had all seen him many a time, he is known to us merely as ‘$2 Hemi’. Usually plying his trade somewhere along Courtenay Place or Manners Mall, he’s a regular on the streets of Wellington.

Note ‘$2 Hemi’ is not to be confused with ‘The Apache’ aka the elderly man who wears an American Indian head piece whilst mumbling into an amplified mic, encouraging you to drop coins into one of his twelve scattered collection bowls. Nor is he ‘the Juggler’ who amazes us with his tennis ball bouncing and juggling abilities outside Spots Cafe Friday and Saturday nights.

$2 Hemi’s gig is fantastically simple, he intercepts you as you head back to the office with your 6’inch chicken fillet sub or hand in hand on your way to the 6pm showing at Reading cinema, courting you with the donation line….“Excuse me Sir/Madame, I couldn’t trouble you for two dollars for the bus?”

We watched for nigh on 30mins as Hemi went through the trials and tribulations of his day to day, much like an average episode of Shorty Street there were tears, elation and enormous amounts of appalling acting. “No sorry, haven’t got any change!” “Haven’t got my wallet on me, sorry” “Sorry mate in a bit of a hurry” all fraudulent lines feed to Hemi.

We laughed, when he encouraged a befuddled young group of Korean school girls to donate and they ran away. We cried, when for the umpteenth time he was brushed aside by an Armani suit wearing pen pusher and finally, we smiled, when he cornered a lady at the ATM who had just withdrawn a wad of her weekly wages, she affectionately slipped him an ‘Orange Hillary’.

Who needs a HD 42’ Television and an all channels inclusive SkyTV package when such entertaining characters are floating about.

The now infamous Blanket Man too has over the years provided myself and countless others hour upon hour of entertainment. The chuckles we’ve shared when he’s fallen asleep and his Patu has peeked out of his loin cloth and he’s once again forgotten to wear his court-ordered wire fronts. Or the time he got pulled over driving a beat up Holden Cortina, when asked for his license, he remarked to the young lady constable “you don’t need a license to drive a Waka” Priceless moments indeed.

Special mentions must go to ‘Speedy’ the fast walking, fast mumbling Dunedinite who entertains Otago uni student on the regular. Also to ‘Sheryl’ the Davey Crocket hat wearing, bag lady of Poneke rugby football club fame, who lurks the sidelines of Kilbirnie Park in her gumboots.

For me far too often the noun Bum conjures up negative connotations denoting and labelling a person of lesser social standing. Depicting these often colourful and bright-eyed human beings as some sort of low life, un-motivated dirt-bags, the willing excrement of society.

I totally disagree.

I like to take a different view to local bums, embracing them for their unique personality, idiosyncrasies and quirks, they add a spark of colourful vibrancy to our dreary concrete jungles.

Shine on you crazy diamonds……….shine on!

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