Metaphorical Fishing: The guidelines

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It has come to my attention that the readers of wheninromebro.com are ill informed of the pro’s of a good days fishing. Attention has solely been on land dwelling mammals, which has served a solid purpose, however when classifying the female species based on land mammals such as the cougar, the fox, the panther or rabid dog readers are limited to land animals. It is a fact that the earth is 29.2% land and 70.8% water, to better sum up the female species it seems adequate to delve underneath the water for a re-classification, in order for the readership of wheninromebro.com to be better informed hunter/fisherman.

Firstly, a few facts I have formulated over the years. Fishing is not based on luck, it is situational and you need to put yourself in the right situation ‘the right waters’. The tackle you use is imperative, never settle for shops such as hallensteins, instead splash out and make yourself prepared to bag anything from a spottie to a shark. Bait is another must do, make sure you are putting out a good scent to attract possible fish. Lures also one of mans great adaptations, they give the impression that you are alive and one of their species.

To explain how fishing works, you must realise that all women can be re-classified as a type of fish. The problem is when you are pulling up a fish you can only guess what you have, as you cannot see to the bottom of the ocean (inside the female brain). As with meeting a woman you can only guess and make reasonable assumptions on what is on the end of your line, you will not actually know until it becomes time to fillet. Please note many fellow fishermen have been caught out by this, never count your chickens before they hatch; this has lead to large amounts of depression amongst kiwi men as well as such legislation as The Property (Relationships) Act 1976 which has left a lot of sad fishermen with half a boat among other things. Now lets examine some fish:

Tropical Fish:

Tropical fish are one of the sea’s great disappointments, their fascinating colours interesting shapes and reef habitat. These can be represented by the female species who flock around the Courtney place reefs (bars), after a few beers a fishermen may be sucked in by their stunning makeup or dyed hair and throw out a hook, when hooked the initial excitement of joy runs for a good 4-8 hours (the danger period), fishermen can be sucked in to filleting a tropical fish only to find, their meat bears little nutrients, they are filled with bones and should only be eaten when confidence and food stores have not been replenished for some time. The novelty of a tropical fish wears off, and suddenly you have a dead weight on board. They are good to look at and that’s about it.

Barracudas:
Ghastly things, these are the nastiest type of fish in the CBD. The Barracuda waits approximately 5meters below the surface and when a successful fishermen is pulling up they jump on the line, ruining your catch. The illusion however only lasts for so long, they may look like good fish but they are diseased (you know what I mean) and will bite your hand off in a second. Barracudas have been featured heavily in the news this week in relation to league players, they have been jumping on the men’s lines through such networking sites as facebook in order to be pulled up by certain fishermen. However as eluded to before they will bite your hand off and take you to the cleaners (the media in this instance). So they best advice when you have a Barracuda, is too cut your line immediately.

Bass:

Bass or Hapuka are a solid fish, and can be filleted and eaten however they just don’t have that X factor. Unfortunately the hardest thing about bass is the fisherman is happy but not completely satisfied, however the basses size means the fisherman will struggle to let go. These can be analogised to the girlfriend, who asks those future questions and you are left thinking “there is no future”, unfortunately you are still hungry so you do not free them and let them grow for another worthy fisherman to pull up. As hard as it may be gentlemen, if there is no X factor in Hapuka, and they should be let go, its best for both of you. Hapuka do stay in the same waters so if you ever question your decision, you may try these waters again as they do get sweeter with age, however a lot more tackle and equipment is needed to pull a fish up twice, as you will well know, you may have fish deep waters.

Marlin: Tekeketonga

This is it, the big kahuna, the trophy fish, natures greatest catch. Many men fish day after day for and will not come close to a Marlin. Outdoors with Geoff star Geoff Thomas explains on the rare occurrence one does see a Marlin that a fishermen needs “good tackle, navigation, knowledge and calm waters” may help pull a Marlin, the hard thing about pulling a Marlin that most kiwi men struggle with is pulling one in is the ultimate battle having one on your line means nothing until it has been tagged, it can take hours upon hours to boat a Marlin if you are lucky this can include ‘months and months of texts, emails, sober sleepovers, coffees and moments you think she has got free’ to successfully pull up your Marlin.

If you are too aggressive on the reel, you will loose this fish. It is an art, but when the magical day comes when a Marlin is pulled you have succeeded and suddenly you see no further reasons to chase the CBD for tropical fish or bass as you are completely satisfied. One successful fishermen by the name of Johnny Paulie states “It was a hard days fishing, and the end of it I had to use everything I had learned from my fishing career to pull this stunning creature in, I am now fulfilled”. My advice just don’t fuck it up. It makes an iron man seem easy, never give up.

These analogies will help and like most things in life the more knowledge you possess, the better the days fishing. Remember fishing is not just fishing it is a lot more listen carefully to skilled fishermen they have a lot to offer.

Further materials I encourage fishermen to use:

Outdoors with Geoff

ITM fishing show

A speed-jig is sensational for Kingi’s

Soft-Plastics (a recent trend with flavours such as nuclear chicken, these are the future of bait)

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