7 sins on a Sunday

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Jeremiah and Teddy were absolutely steaming come sunday morning

Now this Sunday morning i awoke with the retorical question that always gets me every week, What to do with my sunday ?? I got out my scrapbook and compiled the last 3 or 4 weeks of good wholesome activites into my sunday medley. Which i called my 7 sins on a sunday.

Enlightenment is one step closer

9amBright and early going to watch young MILF’s tend to their young in the form of breastfeeding and nurturing their youth.  My personal favourite is the Botanical Gardens because they have a duck pond which is a frequent haunt for good quality family time (solo mom based), They also have magpie lawn and a playground which is a hive for activity. Kelburn being an affluent suburb you’ll be guaranteed good quality (you know Christian Dior, D & G), Also Frank Kitts park in the city can be melting pot for mums on the DPB (Hutt based).

11.10am Standing outside the city’s Church’s yelling “I work for the Devil and get payed in full”, I like to mix it up by running around like a headless chicken and pulling my hair out. St Andrews, St Pauls and St Anthonys are all located in the city, Services finish at 11am and patrons usually stand outside mingling vesping about the gospel/gossip. If you’ve watched Da Vinci Code/Angels and Demons you’ll know that churchly assassin’s do exist – So be prepared and they can come in the form of a albino or a ginger.

1230ish Strutting like the peacock you are make your way thorough Manners Mall (while you still can) to Eff Jays just above the Body Shop. Eff Jays is the local smut peddler, Also they have a range of sexual aides at affordable prices. Now to get a “wank booth” costs $15 for the hour, Now if you’re a Wiley customer you’ll be able to negotiate a 10minute lease on a booth (you really only need 5mins). You get access to any R18 dvd/vhs in the shop and get complimentary toilet paper to clean up once you’re finished. If you ask for Bruce and said Sydney sent you – he may treat you to a little snuff flick (he won’t let you leave the store with it, so save it to the WANKBANK).

1250pm (ok really 1235pm) Heading up to Cuba street toking on the dutchy and playing some hacky sack with the boys – the boys being (homeless, Dealers, Musicians, actors  etcetc).  This aimless exercise will take hours to hone the skills you’ll need to progress in life. In preparation don’t wash your hair for a month, shower or bath for a week, let your hair dread naturally, refer to everyone you meet as dude, pick cigarette buts up off the ground and wear a leather collar.

4pm Head to the local “Bin In” bulk produce shop (also Moore Wilsons, New World etc). Head to the Bulk bins aisle, and buy a 500gram bag of Poppy seeds (roughly equates to $16 a kilo). Buy a 1.5 litre bottle of coke also. Once in the sanctuary of your own house, empty the coke bottle poking holes into the cap. Pour all the poppy seeds into the bottle, Fill past halfway with luke warm water. Let the bottle sit for 20mins, Then gently pour the residue water into a separate glass from the bottle. Wait another 5mins, Then drink. The concoction you’ve made is a homemade methadone (poppy seeds being an opiate), You’ll feel effectively mellow but also could have aggressive reactions to the drug. You’ll feel like your walking on water it’ll take you a couple of days to come down. I also recommend listening to a black sabbath record backwards trippy stuff you can hear the devil talking to you in this state.

6.30pm Now your in the Zander zone, Next activity i call “Scooter hopping”. An exercise which you have to be moderately fit for, You start by running and jumping onto a scooter and jumping off. If your jump is powerful enough you’ll be able to knock the scooter over. My record is 11 in one night, The places you want to be working is the Kelburn/Te Aro area where there is a high % of students thus a high amount of cheap travellers. If you can’t find any scooters, car wing mirrors make a great substitute.

9pm Now with your new found addiction to class A narcotics you must be getting hungry. Last item on the agenda, Fast food crawl. You’ll be mightly stoned and need a decent feed to give you your metaphorical happy ending (if you didn’t already get it at Eff Jays). Guidelines you must spend at least $5 at each FF joint, If they ask you to upsize you must 10min maximum to be spent at each place. Heres the official route.

McDonalds Manners Mall   Subway Courtenay Place (next to garden gay bar)   Burger King Cnr Tory Street                           

J & M’s Courtenay Place   Kennys Cafe Courtenay Place   Dominos Kent Terrace and finally KFC Kent Terrace

Its one hell of a sunday, Please don’t excuse the Pun

Rust In Peace

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