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You all know them, you all despise them, but obviously the inner catholic in you knows enough guilt for them to prey on that it make hippie conglomerate mega charities realise its a viable way of making sign up to cure Lugness in Malawi’s glaucoma.

Hawkers come in all shapes and sizes and I hate them all, but I have a particular hatred for the British new age traveller throw-backs, who come to fair Aotearoa to pay homage to the remains of the Rainbow Warrior by drinking cider at the intersection of Cuba Mall and Vivian.

Dirtybird

You sunscreen-less cunts with your chapped lips, quasi-dredded hair, ubiquitous purple braid, army surplus jacket, doc martin boots, nicotine yellow teeth and fingers and green plastic clip board with enough pamphlets about your chosen cause to displace a amazonian tribe. Brush your teeth you tramp, I’d sooner lick the sweat of a gypo’s bollocks than stand down wind of your halatosis. jesus man, are you even a man or a woman, the two inch layer of dirt makes you look sexually ambiguous, you janis joplin retard.

I have a set agenda when nabbed by a hawker. Preferably, I get hooked by one at least once a week so as to shame the hawking community.

There’s an easy way to deal with them if you are new to the notion of not feeling guilty for things beyond your control, try the following to get you in the mood, you may want to use this on an asian to begin with as they generally have less in the way of cognitive understanding and it will take them longer to process what you’ve actualy said;
<Hawker> Hey mate can I have a minute to talk about the environment/ child poverty/ slow moving whales?

<you> sorry mate I hate kids.

Master this and you may want to step it up a notch. Another option is defunking everything they say as a myth and back it up with improptu facts such as

1) 67% of children want to be poor because it make them cool

2) whales want to be caught because its all part of an underground S & M subculture to which all mammals desire, just and you’ll see 9 times out of 10 they will say yazoo tastes better than yoplait, now wouldn’t you like a big black cock up your arse?

3) Shame them by repeating everything they say really loudly, when doing this think about everyone who has ever actually signed up to one of these scams, say it loud and say it proud;

Hey mate can I have a minute to talk about the environment/ child poverty/ slow moving whales?

HEY MATE CAN I HAVE A MINUTE OF YOUR TIME TO TALK ABOUT SAVING PIDGEONS IN EAST TIMOR?! TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF BITCH I LOVE THAT COLOUR ON YOU WHAT IS IT DO YOU LIKE MY TROUSERS?

To sum it up, you are better then they are, as a person and a subscriber to WIRB. Don’t just do it for your self pay it forward so that future generations can have the tools to rid themselves of hawkers and hawking kind

Outties

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