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Hes the Elvis Presley of Religion, They call him the King

Hes the Elvis Presley of Religion, They call him the King

The wise heads among WIRB decided that it was time to send an undercover operative to infiltrate Destiny’s Church. Key objectives were to expose their unholy practices and obtain a one on one interview with Brian Tamaki (DC Founder and self proclaimed Bishop). With all squad members being of catholic denomination it really cut close to the heart, So was going to be an emotional journey for whoever made the grade.

Surprisingly a job opening at Proton Gym (DC members gym of choice) arouse, We had no other choice but to send Holy Hukanui in. With his extensive list of previous misdemeanour’s and gym experience it was a no brain-er. The guise we sent him under that he was Alphonse (named after the Saint Alphonsus Liguori – eager for battle) Smith, He was at the last chance saloon, Was booted out of his last few work places for an addiction to “P” (crystal meth and females), Had emancipated himself from everyone in his life. He was an Atheist. Lacking direction in his life and a father figure. He was a kid on the wrong side of life’s railroad tracks.

http://www.destinychurch.org.nz/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=27&Itemid=208

I arrive at my new workplace for my fresh start, Meet with the gym manager Leonard Nimoy (His first after death posting after star trek – what did he do wrong). We walk around the commune i mean gym. He informs me, along with DC protocol there were some basic rules.

  • No drinking or drug taking
  • No sex before marriage (no such thing as a civil union)
  • No homosexuality is permitted
  • Must bow when the BT is in our presence
  • No talk of God or Jesus – They’re just juda’s apparently

Had to hit up Len strait away, How can two hot lesbians be wrong?? He said with a twinkle in his eye “as long as you don’t get caught – permitted (in the circle of trust). He added “Les Mills, Is a very dirty word down here, don’t even whisper Bodyjam or Bodypump”. Theres a whole lot of unholy technique going on. Nimoy informs me that Destiny’s Church only do Olympic lifts here, But they call them Tamaki Lifts (As Brian invented them – Not the Germans and Russians). DC are training a squad of elite athletes for London 2012, They’re entering under the Church – Not NZ we are not worthy (only Olympic lifts). The only thing we really agree on is that the Twilight saga is Harry Potter for Emo’s. I made my presence felt dishing out advice on all the newest human growth hormones and steroids. I think i may have got some business. After every rep the lifter yells amen – i could get use to this. Between sets the spotter goes and kisses a plaque of their leader Tamaki. I talk to a few disciples about the need for core strengthening and consistent stretching – their response is like being hit with the great wall of china. Olympic lifts are all inclusive full body, holistic, spiritual workouts (and do wonders for your soul apparently). I have got to use the word holistic more, its the new “go-to” word that means as a trainer you encompass everything. Read through Brian’s testament verses 6 to 9, interesting stuff. I didn’t know that BT has been around for centuries, hes holding up pretty well – the marvel that is modern medicine and cosmetic surgery. I still think that BT closely resembles John Rowles (have to prove this theory!!) I sit down and snack on a “destiny’s bar” which is full of BTs goodness not to mention protein, creatine, caffeine, acai berries and BTs special secret ingredient (definitely not holy water – allegedly is love but the jury is out). A few of the brothers doing Tamaki get ups (derived from the Turkish get ups) – can i get an amen brothers, I do. At least DC gym goers know whats wrong in the gym, I can’t spot one of them wearing skins under their training shorts – which is a definite no-no. Bloody hell the problem these days is that every tom, dick and harry that wear skins and goes to the gym think they’re flaming athletes. Refill the holy water in the gym corner, Taste it, something doesn’t quite add up think caffeine maybe added instead of a blessing. The church bell rings, Service time is upon us.

I strode into the service, On walking in i bowed to the bishop (who i incorrectly identified as the usher – not the popular RnB artist). Eyes fix on me as if I’m fresh fish in prison, I feel abit un-nerved. But precede to my seat. I have to admit there is a lot of ebony talent amongst the congregation, I also note they’re all wearing those silver chastity rings. God gave them gifts, They should be out there enjoying themselves and not saving their precious bounties for the time that all the stars align and a total eclipse of the heart. Note to self – i need a chastity ring to make-sure i fit in. Will stop at the Warehouse on way home. A few people ask me have i been privately blessed by the Bishop Tamaki, I say “No, I’m more of a dinner and date kinda of a guy, flattery will get you no where with me” possibly a false move on my behalf. The service starts, But no Bishop. 2IC of DC HQ gets up and advises us that BT will not be with us today. He is handing out bread and fish to all in 3rd world countries. Roger that likely story. As the service proceeds i fall asleep in a wave of praise Brian’s and hallelujah Brian’s. When it eventually finishes i scour the walls of power (within DC). BT has a hot cougarish wife Hannah who I’m pretty sure I’ve seen performing in naughty America line of online videos (www.empflix.com under the moniker Victoria Vette). Brother Abraham informs me i’m to be at the post in my gym, BT is coming to work on his holy guns and pecs of divine power later in the day. I return to my post.

As i arrive at the gym BT has just finished oiling himself in preparation for a hard and fast gym session. He informs that he’ll take the session as hes the authority on all things gym. In a frenzy he runs from station to station, Dead-lifting this, Power-cleaning that and donkey calf raising me. He then grabs some 50kg Db’s and starts preacher curling them, “My boy i have to work on my artillery they hold this church together”. He points to his imperial bodyguards to wash his feet and then summons me to the changing rooms.

Interview with BT :

AS Bows as BT struts like a peacock into the gym changing rooms

BT : Alphonse, do you give yourself to me

AS : Yes (Starts to remove his shorts)

BT : No, My brother this is not what i mean..

AS : Sorry Bishop, I was raised a catholic and thought this is what you wanted

BT : No, We don’t promote homosexual activity here. That stuff is behind closed doors (and winks suggestively..)

AS : I understand (scratching his head)

BT : What did you bring your bishop??

AS : I bring a copy of the old testament, You might be familiar with it was dictated by the original religionisters. God and Jesus!!

BT : I am familiar, But they’re just hacks. I taught them everything they know G and J. I don’t need no books. What else did you bring me?

AS : I did some research and also brung a mirror, garlic and a cross. Please look into the mirror and tell me what you see..

BT : I see the Elvis Presley of new age religion. Call me the King

AS : You have a reflection you are not the money draining vampire i thought you were

BT : I smelt you were a dirty catholic as soon as you graced our church. Only workouts that destiny church members do is when they break a sweat breaking their back filling my bank account!! Your an addict pure scum on my earth.

AS : I knew it (breaks into 50 rosaries)

BT : Your pagan religion will not save you

AS : (throws gypsy tears over BT) I command thee, Show your true self

BT : (falls to the ground writhing and foaming at the mouth) I am the new uprising

AS : Don’t you dare quote Uncle Bob

Destiny Church bodyguards/Ninjas from Hell storm in

BT : Get him hes a doolan!!!

AS : Dam right Mr Tamaki (Grabs his goblet of holy water and douses the evil DC members in it – and flees the scene)

BT – (directed at Gunther) Get me my gun Gunther!!!

We luckily still have one operative amongst the DC ranks. HH was just a red herring.

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