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  • 10 year olds are allowed into pubs but can only drink Bourbon before 8pm. Past 8pm, they are limited to the same number of beers, per hour, as the amount of Weetbix they can eat in one sitting. Brad Thorn can eat 20… 20 boxes that is.
  • All right-handed drinking is banned. Anyone caught ‘Buffalo’ must consume their current vessel. This also includes all church ceremonies no matter the religion.
  • All bars that DO NOT play a minimum of 400 beats per minute must close at 4am.
  • Burger King, McDonalds and J&M’s Courtenay Place are permitted to put spirits in any soft drinks sold between 2am and 7am.
  • If you’re above the age of 10, Maori (or part thereof) and live in a rural area you are permitted to drive your drunken parent/s, aunty, uncle or any other direct family member home. Note: The driver MUST NOT consume more than ‘one quart’ enroute to any Marae or dwelling.
  • ‘Roofie crime’ does NOT exist if you put them in your mates drink. It’s a great party joke.
  • NO drinking laws apply to Police bars although you may be subject to a random breath test. Those blowing less than 500mg/L will be put on suspension after completion of a funnel.
  • Fire-fighters can drink anywhere, anytime, so long as they can still slide down a pole without spilling more than 20mls from a pint. Pint held of course in the left hand. If no fire pole is available, a lamppost, stripper pole, flag pole or drain pipe will suffice. Note: ‘Fire-trucking’ in any bed other than your own is still illegal.

Rugby World Cup Bylaws:


 

These are the highest ‘Laws of the Land’ during the World Cup. Even David Bain couldn’t get away with breaking these.

  • We will let visiting nations do whatever they want. Except England;
  • All English supporters will be provided with two (2) get out of jail free cards. These are to be obtained from the original English monopoly game and can be exchanged for legal tender.
  • All children conceived during the World Cup are not covered by any child support laws under the Commonwealth, unless of course, the English win the world cup. Should this by some chance happen, bylaw’s 12.1.3-4 will also apply: The Mother chooses who the Dad is (DNA evidence not required) and due to the fall-out from this no doubt, the babies ‘First name only’ identification will be accepted. Yes, including ‘Geezer’.
  • The stretch of Courtenay Place outside the Bar’s, Nightclubs and Restaurants is neutral territory. You may tackle any unsuspecting English supporter in or on the Street, Footpath, Bustop, Taxi stand, Pedestrian crossing or Road . NRL shoulder charges are permitted and gang tackling is also encouraged. If it is determined that a turnover would have came from the tackle in question, the English supporter must then shout pints of Lion Brown to the defensive side at the closest watering hole. NB: Please see Richard McCaw for ‘ball slowing’ techniques at ruck time
  • Cab soil fees will only apply to the English.

Bonus World Cup Bylaw for New Zealand citizens only:
The day of, and day after, any All Blacks World Cup game, Bylaw 9.2.3.6b: ‘Mental Health Day’ may be enforced if required. A text message to your direct reporting boss letting them know that you’re still steaming is required. However, you may send this text message in the hours between; One (1) hour before kick-off and 11am the next working day. NB: Your leave will not be affected.

DISCLAIMER: Just remember people, Its not what we’re drinking its how we’re drinking.

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