Top 10 Things that Scare WIRB

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It is hard to celebrate an All Black win with a few beers when you are already plastered, but it is easy to have an honest conversation about the Top 10 things that scare the shit out of us as a group of guys and therefore all of our brothers from other mothers. Here we go:

10. The Over-Friendly Shop Assistant

We love the fact that these supple, buxom young ladies have a disease that stops them from wearing too much clothing. We don’t really want to be in the shop, but we have been forced to due to a wedding/funeral/job interview/anniversary/ran out of clean clothes. We have chosen your shop, not for the cotton thread count, but for your well endowed…. errr… personalities. Don’t ask us how my day is going, that you love the colour, that we should get those jeans with that shirt – don’t talk, it confuses our fantasy. Leave us to ogle in silence.

9. First Time in a Design Your Sandwich Shop

What bread, what filling, what salads, salt & pepper? We don’t know what is normal. What happens if we get something wrong? Will you judge us? Will the people behind us judge us? How were we supposed to know that BBQ sauce doesn’t work well on the meatball sandwich. It’s all too much! The guy in front of us knew what he was doing. One of those please.

8. Recruitment Consultants

These “people” are worse than real estate agents and car salesmen. Unfortunately, they stand in the way of you and your dream job. There is less yarn spinning in a wool factory.

7. Lawyers

Sharks in pin stripe suits. They are mostly scary because YOU think they know stuff. O.J. had a good one, so did Heather Mills – ask Paul McCartney….. pre-nup, pre-nup…..

If I'm smiling, it means you are screwed.

6. Being the first to say “I Love You”.

Been there? It accidentally slips out and it is followed by awkward silence or even worse, an I’m so happy I’m crying girlfriend. Once it’s out there, it can’t be pulled back in – even if you were drunk. Be careful.

5. Personal Space Invaders

Everyone has the personal bubble that they don’t like people getting in to, yet there are the ones whose bubble is so close to their body,they don’t mind getting close to you. It’s not a cool close, it’s a freaky, I think I’m going cross eyed close that you can’t lean back any further from. Unfortunately leaning back also exposes your pelvis, potentially sending all the wrong messages – especially with Roger, the coffee boy.

4. Gratuitous Nudity

It is NOT COOL to hover in changing rooms naked. Rocking out with your cock out should be limited to occasions where one or two girls are in a room with you. Hey buddy, I don’t want to talk about the economy with you while your member is swaying in the wind as you dry off after a gym workout. Changing room etiquette states that you get on with it in there with minimal conversation and eye contact.

Now this is what I'm talkin' about!!!!

3. Psycho Ex’s

Breaking up is hard to do – especially if you are the one who is doing the breaking up, while your girlfriend has started to look at wedding dresses! The psycho ex stalks your every move via Facebook, twitter, mutual friends and drive-bys! There is nothing like getting back to your flat at 2.30am only to find your ex parked outside your house….. with night vision goggles! That is not to mention the numerous texts and phone calls you have been ignoring. It never ceases to amaze you how she just happens to be in every pub you want to go to…. in the corner….staring…. w.e.i.r.d……. Makes you happy that you dodged that bullet.

I baked you a cake - you need to cut it....

2. Internal Examinations

Ears… not too bad, nose sometimes not much fun if you are having it cauterised, mouth/teeth – not cool when fillings are involved. The down town Tony Brown areas – it’s a simple rule. Nothing goes in the outies!

P.S. It is important to get your prostrate tickled for health reasons from time to time, but that’s it!

"This is the size of your anus before I start...."

1. Your Mrs uttering the words “I’m Late”

Nothing and I mean NOTHING can stop a man in his tracks like hearing that from your Mrs. Your future life flashes past your eyes. The what was going to be verses the what could be. You go cold to the bone. The world closes in, you think “I don’t even like her that much”. You realise the horror is written all over your face and as you re-enter the world your ears tune back into an already hysterical Mrs. You’re fucked, one way or the other.

"Honey, I'm just going to go out to get some, err..... milk...."

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