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VIA OUR BROTHER’S @ WWW.ASKMEN.COM

 

It’s a commonly understood rule of physics that what goes in must come out. Devour enough chimichangas and eventually you’ll need to send those tasty Tex-Mex treats to a watery grave. Although most folks have the good sense to dispose of their dookies in a bathroom, not everyone understands the etiquette involved with offloading their odiferous waste matter. That’s why we’ve assembled an instructive guide on proper toilet etiquette.

In honor of the mighty “No. 2,” we’ve divided the following educational article into two distinct parts: The first section will address toilet etiquette for shared household bathrooms, while the second section will tackle the decidedly more communal space of public washroom stalls. Unlike our previous article on How To: Practice Bathroom Etiquette, this article will focus entirely on bowel movements and their aftermath alone. Show others you “give a sh*t” by adopting our handy dandy tips.

private bathrooms

Whether you share a bathroom with roomies or a spouse, or you’re a frequent houseguest at your pals’ private abodes, the following tips will help you save face when you answer the call of the wild in a private bathroom.

Close the door

No one needs to see you popping a vein in your forehead while you try to pinch a loaf. For the sake of your own privacy, and for the sake of others, keep the door firmly closed at all times while conducting your business. While you’re at it, lock it if you can.

Replace the roll

There’s nothing worse than sitting down to blow your butt trumpet only to discover that the previous joker has left you a single square of toilet paper. Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you by always replacing the roll whenever there are less than five to six squares remaining. Your thoughtful and forward-thinking gesture might just end up saving someone their shirt sleeve.

Use a toilet brush

Skid marks are for racetracks, not toilets. In the event your bowel movement leaves behind residual brown stains, you should quickly wipe down the porcelain surface with a couple whisks of a toilet brush. You don’t need to use cleaning products or spend an inordinate amount of time, but it’s important you make the effort to keep the bowl free of your derriere’s dank DNA.

Light a match

Not all bowel movements are created equal, which is why you should be prepared to disguise your more offending odors by lighting a match. Granted, a single wooden match won’t magically transform a three alarm peek-a-poo into a fragrant bed of roses, but it will mask the smell with a less nauseating odor. Air fresheners and scented candles also work well, but should only be employed in extreme cases involving roadside Mexican cuisine and expired dairy products.

Implement the courtesy flush

Unlike fine wine, poo does not get better with age. If your intestinal sculptures are particularly odiferous, it’s wise to flush the toilet mid-crap in order to limit the ensuing aroma. Al Gore may tsk-tsk the environmental implications of so much flushing, but then again, he never had to smell one of your humongous ass apples.

Clean the seat

Ideally, you shouldn’t leave any splatter behind, but if you do it’s essential to wipe down the toilet seat for the next occupant. After all, the cleanliness of the seat reflects directly upon you.

Use the fan

If the facility you’re using has a fan it’s a nice gesture to turn it on for the next occupant. After all, just because you were forced to revisit your last meal doesn’t mean they should be as well. Bear in mind that fans work best if you turn them on prior to conducting your business, and if you keep them rotating for up to 15 minutes afterward. By turning the fan on in advance you’ll also be able to use its pleasant white noise to mask the symphony of trumpet-like noises that you’re sure to generate.  

Plunge, if necessary

There comes a time in every man’s life when one of his brown bombs causes the toilet to overflow. Although you could walk away from the disaster and blame someone else, it’s in your best interest to address the situation immediately before the floor is strewn with Hershey squirts. Simply insert a toilet plunger into the bowl over the center of the hole and press down firmly, but slowly. Your steady, repetitive action should create suction in the drain, thereby allowing the toilet water to return to its normal level. Flush once more to ensure the debris disappears and clean up around the toilet if any splattering has occurred.

public bathrooms

Conducting your private business in a public bathroom is never an easy task. Luckily, we can help with the following simple rules of decorum.

Don’t monopolize the can

Look out for your fellow man and avoid using the bathroom as your personal sanctuary or library. Remember: Just because you have a mandatory 15-minute break, it doesn’t mean you have to spend every second of it in the crapper.

Keep your stall tidy

Flushing your toilet is just one part of keeping your stall tidy. Don’t forget to also pick up your toilet paper if it’s fallen to the floor, remove any newspapers or reading materials that you’ve brought in and clean up the toilet seat if you’ve splattered or sprayed. It’s important to treat a public bathroom with just as much care and respect as you treat your bathroom at home. If you can’t do that, then perhaps you should be conducting your business outdoors behind a maple tree.

Take the toilet paper off the seat

One of the greatest ironies of public toilets is that a space specifically deigned for anal relief makes some folks so anal retentive. Although there’s nothing wrong with making a protective nest of toilet paper before you plop down on the crapper, it’s important to remove your impromptu sanitation device once you’re done. To ease the burden on the toilet’s flushing mechanism, flush your waste matter first and then flush your fluffy bed of TP next to prevent clogging.

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